What kinda men are they?
My physical move to Charlotte this weekend was very challenging; actually, it was brutal! It’s amazing how much one collects in a short period of time, and I proudly call myself a “minimalist”—a person who intentionally keeps one’s possessions to a minimal! I just thank the Lord that it’s over for the most part. However, this feat did not come without deep, spiritual thoughts that ultimately lead to the writing of this blog.
“What kinda men are they?”—I thought repeatedly as I struggled to carry box after box up those 19 steps. You see I was moving into my new second floor luxury apartment, and right across from me sat two brothers who appeared to be comfortably enjoying themselves on their shaded balcony. “Pie in the sky thinker” that I am, I thought for sure they were going to yell over, “hey, sista, you need some help?” So sure this would be the verbiage coming from their cool lips sippin on their cool drinks, I began to rehearse my most “damsel in distress” response—”I would love it!” “Sure!” “If you don’t mind!”
Well, that was a waste of mental energy! Those brothers actually had the audacity to sit on that balcony and watch me struggle to climb 2019 steps in 90 degree heat carrying 10-20 pound boxes! “What kinda men are they?”—what kind of men would commit such an atrocity against women? What statement were they trying to send me; me and perhaps other women; perhaps other black women? Well, I’m not sure! But, I am sure of the statement I want to send them and every other man—”women deserve better than that!”
We deserve to be shown chivalry at appropriate times, and without an agenda! We need to know that there are real gentlemen who do not only demonstrate this characteristic when on some quest for fine dining, but who demonstrates it when we least expect it, and when we most need it…when it’s inconvenient; when no one else will notice; when the only reward is a sincere “thank you” from a most appreciative female, and a nod from your Father in heaven.
This is what women need! And yes, we will return the appreciation at appropriate times. It may only be the sincere thank you at this moment. But at some other time, it may be our standing up and beside you during a moment of injustice; it may be our reaffirming your worth to your children in the absence of your presence; it may be our affirming your manhood as we lay gently beside you. You see, it goes both ways, and somebody’s gotta be the leader.
We need men who will be the leaders God has instructed them to be; leaders who will set a tone of mutual respect, support and concern. It is through a society that exudes this tone that men and women will began to develop relationships that exude mutual respect, support and concern. “What kinda men are you?”
This is soo true!
I believe in honest communication, if I needed help I would have certainly ask my LAZY brothers. I think that women don’t get what they want because they will not ask for help and assume that others know what we want and need. My suggestion is to simply ASK for what we want and need.
I’m raising 4 boys and I tell them not to ask a woman, “can i help you?” but to go to her and say, “let me help you.” Her 1st response will be “no, i got it.” To which they should respond, “I know you do. But I would love to help you.” I PRAY to God that they don’t forget what I’m teaching them.
I see that even at an early age boys/men have a fragile ego and don’t like rejection, so women do need to ask for help. They would have jumped off the porch to help if you’d asked-mainly because they would have thought it might have lead to something else.
Thank you JD, MJ and Biz Coach for Moms! Your comments give much thought. I do believe I need to, and have been doing more self analysis around this experience. My asking outright for help may have resulted in the brothers assisting me. I guess I have become one who believes if people want to help a person in need they will volunteer their services. Maybe some people do need a bit more help to help! However, I do like how Biz Coach for Moms is teaching her sons…way to go Biz!
Great writing! I love the comments by Biz Coach for Moms. I will use this with my own sons. Yes you could have asked, but I agree it would be nice to not have too. Will the real men please stand up.
It’s also possible that Biz Coach for Moms indirectly nailed it. “They would have jumped off the porch to help if you’d asked-mainly because they would have thought it might have lead to something else.” What if these were not single or unattached men? A man might think that if he seems too quick to rush over to the new sister’s house to help her move in that he’s inviting issues at home because the woman in his life will echo Biz Coach for Mom’s suggestion about his motive.
MaleView, I actually thought about that after the fact; after I had recuperated, and had time to reflect a bit. I think this too is an example of how far we have gotten away from “good neighborly behaviors”. Why couldn’t their “lady friends” (if there was such) encourage them to help the poor sister out! “Pie in the sky” thinker that I am!
In my opinion, Janice had an experience that has become synonymous with the times which we live. Our men have come accustomed to playing it safe when a situation gives them an opportunity to act. We live in a culture where there is an excuse for everything. No woman should have to specifically ask for assistance in that situation, especially, when men are lounging during the whole event. Have we gotten it twisted? Janice should have had the opportunity to say “yes, I’d love some help”, or “no thanks, I enjoy bending my back out of whack!” As a man, I would hope that I’d have the intuition to offer assistance to any sister who is moving boxes up a flight of stairs to her apartment. Even if she was uncomfortable with me taking the boxes into her new home, I’d be o.k. with that. What is the example being set for the next generation? Our sister’s better ask or she will be left to bear the weight on her own shoulders. To me, that indicates a decrease in our value system for our women. My children will be raised to look for an opportunity to serve regardless of the tone society has set which says that, “I’ll hang tight until I’m asked or forced to get involved”. We can do better…!!!
NLW, thanks for saying what a real would do! We have to stop making excuse for what is right.
There was a time you never saw a woman change a tire, carry heavy luggage, mow a lawn (depending on the part of the country you live in probably), or drive a big semi-truck, or lift-weights, or drive race cars, or play football with pads, or wear men clothing, or, uh…or so many things…Now men have to figure out if this woman works for UPS everyday delivering heavy boxes or does she moonlight for a furniture delivery company on weekends and is used to doing manual things. Some women actually like to recognized as capable of doings kind of difficult things as lifting, hanging drywall, mowing the lawn, painting a house, or laying down a wood floor…(recent true story sorry…)
On the other hand, in an instant, I really do realize for the most part a man can tell the difference, but in actuality, our modern greater society, with the help of decades of the feminist movement and the push for “equal rights” for women, society has helped to turn the roles from black and white to shades of grey. Factors such as preceived or imagined gender identitification help the grey part grow greyer. You add overly feminized men in the mix, who in this situation, would possibly help a woman lift something (or not), depending on how heavy it looked from a distance. Maybe the men were both on disability and couldn’t take the chance of having someone see them doing manual labor. Maybe someone would tell their woman who has accused him of flirting or “helping” other women too much. So many reasons and excuses to choose from…maybe they were high off weed and were just “trippin,” that is very possible. Maybe they were just overwhelmed by beauty and could not find the strenght to say anything or move.
This writing was not intended to insult or make light of a real situation in our community. It is always better exercise basic Human Kindness and hopefully have your gesture truly appreciated.
Myles Munroe put it very candidly, “we abuse our God-given purpose when we don’t know that purpose.” This goes for both men and women. Man’s purpose, not the same as the role society has given him, is godly leadership. You might say what does this mean. Well, to me it is exhibiting the character of Christ. My thought is Christ would have offered to assist because that is His nature. If we are made in His image, then why not offer assistance to our neighbor (male or female). We can not let society dictate what God has put in us but we should model His character.
This is just my opinion. But I do understand the opinions of everyone else on this blog.
Luv you much, cuz! Keep up the good work.
Males are not going to do something for anyone if there is noting in it for them (motives). A man on the other hand who is knowlegable would have given a hand because it is the right thing to do (love thy neighbor as thyself)! Depending on the angle at which one stands determines the outcome of his or her actions. Perspective. When you don’t know. You don’t know!
Grace and peace to you all!