My physical move to Charlotte this weekend was very challenging; actually, it was brutal! It’s amazing how much one collects in a short period of time, and I proudly call myself a “minimalist”—a person who intentionally keeps one’s possessions to a minimal! I just thank the Lord that it’s over for the most part. However, this feat did not come without deep, spiritual thoughts that ultimately lead to the writing of this blog.

“What kinda men are they?”—I thought repeatedly as I struggled to carry box after box up those 19 steps. You see I was moving into my new second floor luxury apartment, and right across from me sat two brothers who appeared to be comfortably enjoying themselves on their shaded balcony. “Pie in the sky thinker” that I am, I thought for sure they were going to yell over, “hey, sista, you need some help?” So sure this would be the verbiage coming from their cool lips sippin on their cool drinks, I began to rehearse my most “damsel in distress” response—”I would love it!” “Sure!” “If you don’t mind!”

Well, that was a waste of mental energy! Those brothers actually had the audacity to sit on that balcony and watch me struggle to climb 2019 steps in 90 degree heat carrying 10-20 pound boxes! “What kinda men are they?”—what kind of men would commit such an atrocity against women? What statement were they trying to send me; me and perhaps other women; perhaps other black women? Well, I’m not sure! But, I am sure of the statement I want to send them and every other man—”women deserve better than that!”

We deserve to be shown chivalry at appropriate times, and without an agenda! We need to know that there are real gentlemen who do not only demonstrate this characteristic when on some quest for fine dining, but who demonstrates it when we least expect it, and when we most need it…when it’s inconvenient; when no one else will notice; when the only reward is a sincere “thank you” from a most appreciative female, and a nod from your Father in heaven.

This is what women need! And yes, we will return the appreciation at appropriate times. It may only be the sincere thank you at this moment. But at some other time, it may be our standing up and beside you during a moment of injustice; it may be our reaffirming your worth to your children in the absence of your presence; it may be our affirming your manhood as we lay gently beside you. You see, it goes both ways, and somebody’s gotta be the leader.

We need men who will be the leaders God has instructed them to be; leaders who will set a tone of mutual respect, support and concern. It is through a society that exudes this tone that men and women will began to develop relationships that exude mutual respect, support and concern. “What kinda men are you?”

“You know________, for you to have lied to me and proceeded to tell all the other lies to support the initial lie, says something about your character–you are a liar.  I am not saying this to "slap you in the face", but to hopefully get you to begin the process of taking a serious look at your character and begin the process of changing it”.
 
”I believe all of us can make character changes, but it is not something that is just a snap.  Its spiritual…and I am not talking about just going to church!  There are many liars in churches.  I’m talking about deep reflection on ones self; reading material including the bible that address personal growth; and taking actions on becoming the person one wants to truly be”.
 
”Now with all that said, I miss you as well.  If down the road, you make the changes in your character and life that makes you available to me, call me”.

(Response to the Great Guy She Met Who Admitted He was Married One Month into the Relationship!)

I’d bet at least 90% of you reading this Blog (if you are over the age of 20) have had the experience sited above.  You meet this great guy…there is an immediate attraction…you find you have many things in common…the chemistry is right!  You even ask the interview questions up front.  Here is just a sampling:

1. Are you married?
2. Do you have any children?
3. What do you do for a living?
4. Where are you from?
5. How’s your relationship with your mama? (Ok, maybe not this one…however, I’m learning this one can tell you a lot about him too!)

You even tell him how important honesty is to you, and you’re upfront with your own answer to the above questions.   You tell him your policy on doing background checks on men before you get involved, and you even welcome him to get a background check on you.  You are just that darn honest! And he still lies about his marital status! 

Having had this experience myself, I decided its time for some anthropological research on this phenomenon.  I call it, Why Married People Lie About being Single?  Now, my being a single female, I decided the first group of subjects I wanted to pose this question to was my male friends.  The answer I got hands down was He’s afraid he will lose you and the opportunity if he tells you the truth. 

Now many of you are going, dah, Janice you didn’t know this?  I have to honestly say, I did not.  I just happen to be one of those Pie in the Sky (PITS) thinkers and I like it up here.  Its fun, positive and I tend to be a lot happier most of the day.  As a PITS thinker, I honestly feel if a person is upfront and clear as aqua bottled water about his or her values and expectations for total honesty in a relationship, any potential date he or she meets  will RESPECT that and come clean at their meeting. 

Well, this is a bunch of bulls….oh, wait a minute, I’m a PITS thinker…let me rephrase this—Several of the men I have met have not come clean, but chose to disrespect me and lie about their marital status.  Now, there have been a few brothers who, say, within an hour of the conversation, admitted they were married and there was the same attraction, chemistry, and such.  But, I digress!

Okay, enough anecdotal stuff, lets get into the phenomenon about Why Married People Lie About Being Single, and I intentionally say married people because some of my male friends have told me of their experiences with women who lied about being single as well.  Why lie!  To lie so you can have this person for whatever time period or whatever role is total selfishness.  Plus, to lie is to rob that person of his or her right to choose rather or not he or she wants to be in a relationship with you and your baggage.  Its selfishness and total disrespectful!

Now before some of you go and say, Janice is endorsing infidelity, I AM NOT!  It is wrong to date a married person.  It is wrong for married people to date!  It is also wrong to not let the individual you just met know your marital status up front so that person can make the decision how he or she is going to respond to you.  Most individuals with any morals will say, NO THANKS!  But they have the right to have all the information up front to make that call.

Another reason it’s so important to be honest about this is it will curtail a lot of potential DRAMA!  There is too much damm drama in the world already and who needs to add unsuspecting drama to their lives because some dumb-a… was dishonest, disrespectful and selfish!  Well, one of my new mantras is Janice don’t do drama!   So if you meet me, please do me a favor and tell me the truth.  Do the same for each other.  Don’t bring unnecessary drama to another unsuspecting person.  Be honest, respect that individual.  You will find, he or she will find you even more attractive…they won’t get with you, but you will leave a positive lasting impression.